There are so many things to say, yet I lack the ability (or perhaps it's the fortitude) to express them. Somewhere along the line, it seems the confidence to communicate the assorted thoughts and dispositions has all been diminished. A considerably afflicting state in which and with which to exist. One for which I have yet to find clear recourse or remedy.
To grant the freedom to speak as one will is a simple matter when one does not directly experience the resulting dejection, rejection or vacant response, nor suffers from the same affective vulnerabilities.
Against all that, there is the question of what thoughts to make known - which sentiments to reveal? Lamentations and jubilation, indignation and appeals all abound. They collide and mix in a swirling pools, as one has spilling liquid color in meandering stream. Red into yellow, blue into green, spinning themselves into shades of gold and aqua and purple. How can one distinguish the point at which one begins and the other ends? A mingling of emotions. The breaking apart and piecing together of heart and mind, body and soul.
Hope and despondency, expectancy and cold reality. It's an issue of juxtaposition. It creates a disarray that, as a result, produces and induces yet more to be spoken that, in turn, cannot be spoken. But I digress, so it seems the very matter which I strive to approach will have to wait for another day.
By Rachelle LeCount
Written some time ago
Other entries you might like: March 2009
